What are you up too?

[February 2, 2014 @ 6.25p]

I have to make the decision to either leave him or... something. The past week there has been no signs of any love left from him and yet I'm the one to be supporting him... It's gotta end and I have to end it. This is a style of writing called Freestyle. I was taught this in high school in about the tenth grade. I was able to vent so much I was able to release safe endorphines to relieve me of any pain and anger I had. I should start that again. I don't see anything else better I can do. I already have cut myself over 40 times in the past day or two... I'm not looking for any pitty or remorse from anyone so please don't give any if you plan to just bitch at me and hate on me. I have so much anger in my right  now. Im just glad I was able to release my 8 years of anger and depression before I met him, but now I don't even feel like he is the one for me at all.. I  know what I may be writing now may not make any sense, but for me I feel a little better inside to be able to tell "someone" how I feel. Even though right now I am not really writing anything.

Anyways in the past few days I feel like I'm not wanted around or loved by my fiance. Usually he would be "Hi, Babe", 'Love you" or even just come kiss me before I leave to work and or come home, but now even when I call its just "Hey". "Whats up", "What do you need?". or even better for the day that the Seattle Sea Hawks and Denver Broncos are playing its only " You know you're calling me while I'm in the start or middle of the game right?". I come home with wings and some beer so we all can have fun, but its more like.. I don't even know how to explain it right now. I feel so hurt that I really thought of getting a gun and shooting myself in the head... but unfortunately he sold his hand gun. I feel more pain each day and jealousy I'm not sure if I want to come home anymore...

I'm just currently sitting in the dark on the site writing away some of my feelings and blasting music in my ear to just regulate my heart and tears.

I just.. I don't even know what to do.....

- Angel N. (Albuquerque, New Mexico @ HOME)