What are you up too?

[February 2, 2014 @ 6.25p]

I have to make the decision to either leave him or... something. The past week there has been no signs of any love left from him and yet I'm the one to be supporting him... It's gotta end and I have to end it. This is a style of writing called Freestyle. I was taught this in high school in about the tenth grade. I was able to vent so much I was able to release safe endorphines to relieve me of any pain and anger I had. I should start that again. I don't see anything else better I can do. I already have cut myself over 40 times in the past day or two... I'm not looking for any pitty or remorse from anyone so please don't give any if you plan to just bitch at me and hate on me. I have so much anger in my right  now. Im just glad I was able to release my 8 years of anger and depression before I met him, but now I don't even feel like he is the one for me at all.. I  know what I may be writing now may not make any sense, but for me I feel a little better inside to be able to tell "someone" how I feel. Even though right now I am not really writing anything.

Anyways in the past few days I feel like I'm not wanted around or loved by my fiance. Usually he would be "Hi, Babe", 'Love you" or even just come kiss me before I leave to work and or come home, but now even when I call its just "Hey". "Whats up", "What do you need?". or even better for the day that the Seattle Sea Hawks and Denver Broncos are playing its only " You know you're calling me while I'm in the start or middle of the game right?". I come home with wings and some beer so we all can have fun, but its more like.. I don't even know how to explain it right now. I feel so hurt that I really thought of getting a gun and shooting myself in the head... but unfortunately he sold his hand gun. I feel more pain each day and jealousy I'm not sure if I want to come home anymore...

I'm just currently sitting in the dark on the site writing away some of my feelings and blasting music in my ear to just regulate my heart and tears.

I just.. I don't even know what to do.....

- Angel N. (Albuquerque, New Mexico @ HOME)

[Oct 24, 2013 @ 10.26p]

Yeah, just got home from some grocery shopping and.. yeah. I swear everyday I am made to feel like everything is my fault by the people surrounding me. Because we don't have a second car, why can't we get something as butter, I want something sweet to eat, why don't we have anything we "need", I want this-I want that, etc.

Im sick of the one im gonna be with the rest of my life to be making me feel like I don't do enough in any way. I haven't had a day in mind where I was able to fully relax by myself and not have to worry about a single thing. Yet everyday since I decided to move out from of my family's house I am constantly worried about bills, income, getting a second car, fixing up the current car, fixing the place we live in now, trying to finish school withgood grades, food, paying off my card and NOW your's to for things that we shouldn't have been having to pay off on, things for you, making sure you're happy, but yet nothing I do seems to be enough. You ask why I get stressed out so much and rather be away from the house.It's because it lets me breath and for a moment think that I don't have any bills or worries to care about.

I had enough. I'm glad i'm saving money on the side for myself, because I deserve a bit of spoiling to myself. I have not been able to get myself anything for almost a year to at least keep myself happy and a bit of stress free. Yet here I'm having to worry to get you this and that and yet have bigger worries to worry about so we don't end up on the street.

These days I can't even simply go to the gym to workout and get myself where I want to be as a person mentally and physically. No simply things at home is enough,

I barely have even $5 bucks left after all the bills are paid for the month and plus rent for the next to just go take myself out for some frozen yogurt. And that is depressing. Life isn't worth living if you can't enjoy the simplest of things with little or no stress.

- Angel N. ( Albuquerque, NM @ Home)